Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
Yo momma’s so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
Alright 2020, you’ve had your fun.
Now say ‘April fools’ and let us get back to our lives, yeah?
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
“You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
- Jerry Seinfeld"
“Marriage is an attempt to solve problems together which you didn’t even have when you were on your own.”—Eddie Cantor
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
What did the orange say to the lemon?
"'yello!"
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
[Water Slide] I was going to get some work done, but I decided to let it slide.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
Why did the horse dance while crossing the road?
He was horsing around.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I have a heart-on for you.
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
Fall leaves whenever winter knocks on the door.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
What do you call a monkey with a banana in each ear?
Anything you want, he can’t hear you.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
What did the goat farmer’s wife say to her husband when he was swearing on the job?
“Not in front of the kids!”
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
The storm was sad so we called it the sigh-clone.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
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