“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
Thunderstorms are shrewd investors. They put their money in a combination of frozen and liquid assets.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Girl, your personality is so magnetic I think our protons are in alignment.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
What do you call a gorilla who has been locked up in prison?
A kong-vict
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
Here is my libary card, because im checking you out.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Hey I need a female opinion - what do you think would look better on me, this or this?
Some say that puns aren't very funny, while others take them very seriously...
I guess the one thing we can all agree on is that puns are no joke.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What breed of dog will laugh at any joke?
A Chi-ha-ha
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why was the basketball court so slippery?
Because all the players were dribbling on it.
I met a French vampire who had an attention deficit problem. We called him Drac..ooh la la!
The calm before the score
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Double
Double who?
W!
Easter this year is April Fools Day
Just remember that so you don't fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
"Slicing Salami"
The strangest, strange stranger I met in my life
was the man who made use of his nose like a knife.
He’d slice up salami, tomatoes, and cheese
at the tip of his nose with phenomenal ease.
He’d buy food in bulk at incredible prices
and then use his nose to reduce it to slices.
His wife ran away and I know that he’ll miss her.
The woman was frightened that one day he’d kiss her!
– Denise Rodgers
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
For years I told my daughter she was half-human and half-mermaid... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.”
Woody Allen
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
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