What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
I need a front door for my hall,
The replacement I bought was too tall.
So I hacked it and chopped it,
And carefully lopped it,
And now the dumb thing is too small.
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
What do they call the fairy in the Mexican version of Peter Pan?
Taco Bell.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Chuck Norris never retreats; He just attacks in the opposite direction.
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
What do you call a ghost who haunts fireplaces? A toastie ghostie.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What do ghouls eat for supper? Spooketi
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Your pace or mine?
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
"Do I love you? My god, if your love were a grain of sand, mine would be a universe of beaches."
— William Goldman, The Princess Bride
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
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