The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
“My job is fun! I should change this line once in a while. My brain has started to realize that I am lying to it every morning."
~ Anonymous
I am terrified of people who urinate quietly.
After all, all psychos have a silent p.
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
A crow was arrested under suspicion of murder. The case was closed, as the judge said he had just caws.
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
The year is 2219
A dishevelled white haired man crosses the desert that was once the English Channel from the United Kingdom of England to visit the capital of the Eurasian Empire in Brussels. As has been the case for 200 years, he delivers an unsigned letter and returns home, only to repeat the process again the next year. The true meaning of the ritual is lost in the annals of history but many believe it goes back to the days of a mythical quest they called Brexit.
“It doesn’t matter how low the dollar will go, I will always bend down and pick it up.” ~ Anonymous
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.
“Every man is a d*** fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.”
― Elbert Hubbard
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
A chemist plants a seed.
He takes good care of it every day. He waters it and fertilizes the soil around it. As it becomes a big and healthy tree, the chemist thinks to himself: What a good chemist-tree.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
Waldo once insulted chuck norris.
And we all know how THAT'S going.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them - I've got all weekend.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Hey Cameron, did you know your name was an anagram for romance?
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
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