A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
What's more impressive than a talking fish?
A spelling bee.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in; it’s cold out here!
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day? God save the kin.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
I think there’s something wrong with my eye. I can’t take them off of you.
How come it’s so hard to make a fool out of a man?
Because most of them are the DIY type in that way.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
What do you call a cop with a wooden leg?
Officer.
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
You do not want to know the history behind the railroad because it is so underground.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
My wife hates the colour of her hair...
She's dyeing to change it.
I stubbed my toe onto a piece of furniture. C-ouch!
I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"
What do you call it when you get a month’s worth of rain at once?
England.
Have you heard about the new his & hers toothpaste?
The flavor is "mint to be".
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
What do yuppie sharks like to drink?
Jaw-va.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
I chucked my phone into a very deep lake.
Somehow it's still syncing.
Damn girl, you're lookin' sharp
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
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