We have great chemis-tree.

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

What did the librarian say to the beaver who wanted to read a help book? You can try by-rowing it.

Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.

"Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough"

"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"

I'm reading a horror story in Braille and something bad is about to happen...
I can feel it.

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”
Theodore Roosevelt

Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.

“When there’s snow on the ground L like to pretend I'm walking on clouds.”

What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.

What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.

What do you call the leader of a biology gang?
The Nucleboss.

What do you call a baby owl stuck in the rain?
A moist owlette.

What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.

What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.

KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."

“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams

“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip

What do you give a train driver for Christmas? Platform shoes!

Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.

How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.

Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.
It was a millennial falcon.

A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.

I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.

"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"

Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.

“I owe much; I have nothing; the rest I leave to the poor.” - Francois Rebelais

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."

- George Burns.

Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

Are you Australian? Cause you meet all my koala-fications!

Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.

I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.

Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.

How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!

Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.

We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.

Why did Comic Sans divorce Times New Roman? He just wasn’t her type.

Why can't you take a nap during a race? Because if you snooze, you loose!

What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”

Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"

Me: "No... They're made of buff."

My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.

Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.