Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
"In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom."
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
She has high elf-esteem.
How about we skip the hors d oeuvres and head straight for the digestif?
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Roses are gray,
Violets are gray.
You are gray,
I’m a dog.
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
Hey did you hear that ESPN is broadcasting this year's Origami competition?
I heard it's pay per view...
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
The doctor told me I probably won’t be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
“Money is like manure. You have to spread it around or it smells." ~J. Paul Getty
What is a cat’s favorite vegetable? As-purr-agus.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
“I am your best friend, and there isn’t anything you can do about it!”
— Unknown
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
Join us for a slice of fun.
Hey girl, I heard God called you.
Can I do the same?
I'm from the Outback and I'd like to take you out back.
Our love started with a Hershey’s Kiss.
What happens when you cross an Australian dog and a Beatle?
Dingo Starr.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
Are you a practice room? Because I want you and I hope you're not taken
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
Reading a shopping list, eh? I see we're both fans of the classics.
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
"Whenever I See"
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.
"You need a bandana, not a banana!"
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
The barista may have forgotten your name... but I sure haven't.
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