Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Two monkeys are high up in the tree.
One turns to the other and says, “Oooo ooo aah aahh!!”
The second monkey says, “Well put some cold water on it then!"
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Are monsters good at math?
Not unless you Count Dracula.
Are you being a ghost for Halloween, or are you just my boo?
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
Baby, I'm like efavirenz. I can decrease your odds of nightmares, but you still may have strong vivid dreams about me — a very common side effect.
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?" Heisenberg says, "No, but I knew where I was."
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
My love for you is like this hike. It goes on and on.
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
So a man walked up to me and placed some soil, plant seeds and fertilizer on my head.
It was annoying at first, but I think it grew on me.
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What’s black and white, black and white, and black and white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”
Sir Norman Wisdom
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Your fragrance lights up my life.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
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