You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
There are so many jokes about a certain composer…
I could make you a Liszt.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
It's only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation.
Can you drive my car?
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
What did the sea say to the river? You can run but you can't tide.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
What kind of bean never grows in a garden? A jelly bean!
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
I was so amazed by your beauty that I had to run to the wall over there. So, I need to get your number and name to claim my insurance.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
"Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space." - Evan Esar
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
What happens when you cross an iron with a telephone? You get a smooth signal.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
"True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together."
— Emilie Saint-Genis
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
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