"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack
Leave poetry to the prose.
Air conditioner technicians...
love to vent about their job in order to cool off.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
When the onion band covered the song Waka Waka by Shakira, they started calling the song 'Walla Walla'.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What do you call a koala with a negative attitude? The bearer of bad news.
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
What type of key opens a banana?
A monkey.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
If you were a baseball and I was a bat would you let me hit?
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted:
“Uno...”
“Dos...”
And disappeared without a trace.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
Q: Why did the pillow go to the doctor?
A: He was feeling all stuffed up!
Two male zebras in the Zoo started making rap-music.
They're called the Zbruhs.
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