“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.
Hey baby, are you a shrink? 'Cause I went nuts when you walked by.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
“The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.”
- Erma Bombeck.
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
What do you call an explosive horse?
Neigh-palm.
What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
How many saws could a see-saw saw if a see-saw could saw saws?
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
When were rock puns the funniest?
During the stone age.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
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