Did you hear about the Elf booted from the chorus?
He couldn't Fa-la-la-la-long.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?
How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
“Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-Rays, but you know it’s there.” - George Burns
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
How does a horse get a suit fitted?
With a tail-or.
Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.
Werewolves love similes and metafurs.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
What do German meat lovers breathe?
Hamburg-air
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
If I am a GPS, will you take me running every day?
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call a kangaroo DJ?
Disc joey.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
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