After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
"I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups."
Rita Rudner
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
What is the proper name for the ghost of a buffalo?
A booffalo.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
Better read than dead.
Don't get tide down.
How do trees get on a computer?
They just log in.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
ORANGE YOU GLAD I DIDN’T SAY BANANA!
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Halloween is over. Why are you still dressed as an angel?
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.
Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.
“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.
“You need all the practice you can get!”
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
You smell. We should go take a shower together.
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Can you explain why your neighbor’s yard is so messy and overgrown?
“We’d never.”
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
What do you call a cross between a donkey and a zebra?
Debra.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
"I’m a travel fiend on the road to recovery. Just kidding. I’m headed to the airport."
Why don’t readers have extra time? They’re booked.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
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