Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.

My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.

This is the story of Casper Levenes,
A boy quite addicted to Heinz Spicy Beanz,
They boiled in his gut, fermented in his tum,
Then as a foul vapour they exited his bum.

His brothers said, Casper, that stench is quite vile,
Then they clubbed him with chair legs and said with great bile,
You're the smelliest human who's walked on this earth,
And really you should have been put down at birth.

As he fell to the ground he let out his last fart,
I'll never forget, in my death, your great part,
And when the church clock strikes midnight each night,
The brothers do quiver and shiver with fright.

For a stench that's quite eerie and reeks of the pit,
Pervades all their bedrooms and lounges and shit,
And they say to each other, that stink is the most,
It's our dead brother Casper, the flatulent ghost.

- Max Scratchman

“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel

"We must both, I’m afraid, recognise that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – more and more repairs and replacements are necessary." - C.S. Lewis

In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.

Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.

I cannoli have eyes for you.

While leaving, the peach friend told his sad buddy, "If you need any help, just peach out, I will be there."

What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet

What’s a flower’s favorite band?
Guns n’ Roses.

"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."

- Christiaan Barnard

My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.

Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.

What is an outlet’s favorite song?
I’ve Got The Power.

Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?

I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.

My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.

Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.

What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”

If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.

Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.

After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"

“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett

Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.

You and the sun have one thing in common. You are both radiant.

How do you know if a tiger is male or female?
Throw a rock at it. If he runs it's a male. If she runs it's a female.

Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!

“I believe it’s a cook’s moral obligation to add more butter given the chance.”
― Michael Ruhlman

I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."

“It’s a shame that the only thing a man can do for eight hours a day is work. He can’t eat for eight hours; he can’t drink for eight hours; he can’t make love for eight hours. The only thing a man can do for eight hours is work.” — William Faulkner

“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb

What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.

"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous

You are spud-tacular.

What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!

Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.

What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”

My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”

What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!

Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
Noah - he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.

What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”
Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”
“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”
After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.
“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass

I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.

What did one glow worm said to the other one?
You glow girl!

What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.

What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.