When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
“I don’t like when I'm all stress-free and peacefully relaxing on the couch and then, out of nowhere, Monday comes along and punches you right off the couch!”
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
If you date me, you'll eventually see a diamond.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
Roses are red, my face is too.. that only happens when I see you.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
I've just got a new job as a nursery rhyme cow.
I'm over the moon.
“Road trips required a couple of things: a well-balanced diet of caffeine, salt, and sugar and an excellent selection of tunes—oh, and directions.”
– Jenn McKinlay
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Are you Rudolph’s red nose? Because baby, I would say you glow.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium? He just couldn't put it down.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I smelled you down the street, and my nose brought me right to you.
Shut up the shutters and sit in the shop.
"Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage."
- Ambrose Bierce
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
What do you call a joke that isn’t funny? A sentence.
What’s the best time to eat a peach while watching a NASCAR race? During the pit stop!
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
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