What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
The one time of the day when knights are willing to work is during the knightshift.
What’s a werewolf’s favorite nighttime story?
A hairy tail!
My father ran his whole roofing business and it was a great success.
He had to stay on top of things though.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
Why did the Communist wait till the last minute to cross the road?
He was Stalin.
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
Which birds are good at holding things together?
Velcrows.
What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Thinking about selling my crab so i could make money. Then I realised "am I really this shellfish"?
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
It was mitten in the stars.
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Go to BabaMail
