What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers? Because they have two left feet!
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
Is your name Rapunzel, cause I need a girl who never leaves the bedroom and constantly wants me to pull her hair?
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
If I could change the periodic table, I would put Uranium and Iodine next to each other.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
How does Frankenstein jump-start his day?
With a shock of lighting.
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
Lets unzip our genes and see if we can share codes together.
An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.
I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
You are the square to my root.
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
Sadly, hydrogen and helium broke things off. But they still think of each other... periodically.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
Why couldn't the warden decide whether to allow the prison football team play the professional football team?
The idea had its pros and cons.
Don’t moss around.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
Even though there's no ball game on tonight, we can still slam it.
Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.
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