I hate windy weather. It really blows.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Its not the length of the vector that counts, its how you apply the force.
It’s so hot your clothes iron themselves.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?”
– Milton Berle
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
It’s so cold people with spiked hair were being arrested for carrying around a dangerous weapon.
You can never get short balls over the net! Solution: Drop shot from arsenal.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”
Mitch Hedberg
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
"Who’s In?"
“The door is shut fast
And everyone’s out.”
But people don’t know
what they’re talking about!
Say the fly on the wall,
And the flame on the coals,
And the dog on his rug,
And the mice in their holes,
And the kitten curled up,
And the spiders that spin-
“What, everyone out?
Why, everyone’s in!”
– Elizabeth Fleming
You have goat to be kidding me.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
I don’t know how to spell beautiful. all I know is without u, it’s impossible.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
We have such great chemistry that we should do some biology together.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
"On cloud wine."
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
Q. Where do computers keep their money?
A. In a data bank.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
You wanna know who makes my life complete? Read the first word in this sentence.
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
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