What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
I’m not sure the best way to approach you..could you give me a Vivinsider tip?
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What do you think of puns about deer?
“I’m very fawn’d of them myself.”
A man is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
A woman gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
My Gourd, Autumn is so fall of herself!
They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!
(Santhini Govindan)
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
What do you call an 80s synth pop band with a scoop of ice cream? Depeche a la Mode.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Where do pianists go on vacation?
The Florida Keys.
"If it costs you your peace of mind, you’ve overpaid."
— Rigel J. Dawson
It’s bad luck to be superstitious.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Go to BabaMail
