What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
Is your name chocolate, because you make my seratonin levels rise and give me a sense of pleasure.
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Are you that note I messed up? Because I can’t stop thinking about you.
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
“Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”
- Amber Dusick.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
How do Medieval sheep protest prisons?
They storm the baaaastille.
How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.” - Anonymous
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
What did Delaware? a New Jersey
What cookie makes you rich? A fortune cookie!
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
For instant fun, just add water.
When does a Koala go "moo"? When it is learning a new language!
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
“I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”
Samuel Goldwyn
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and I thought to myself...
Wow, this is ledge ‘n dairy.
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
“Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.”
— Charles Lamb
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.
My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.
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