Why did the reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!
What did Gorgonzola say to Cheddar? Lookin' Sharp.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
“Sisters never quite forgive each other for what happened when they were five.”—Pam Brown
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Herb your enthusiasm.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
What do sharks order at McDonalds?
A quarter flounder.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
What do skeletons hate the most about the wind?
Nothing. It goes right through them.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
What blood type does a pessimist have?
B Negative
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Why do earth science professors always talk about ammonia? Because it’s basic material.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem.
I call it my Trail Mix.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
Have you guys heard of the musical group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Norway are you leaving without giving me your number!
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