What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
Why don’t fish play basketball?
Because they're afraid of the net.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks the horse if it's an alcoholic considering all the bars he frequents, to which the horse replies "I think not!"
POOF! The horse disappears.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am.
But to explain the concept beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
We aren't even in hot yoga, but you have me sweating.
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
"Partners in wine."
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
My wife and I split up.
She got the “U” and I got the “P”
Big foot claims he saw Chuck Norris.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
“If you’re searching for that one person that will change your life, take a look in the mirror.”
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Within the labyrinthine bureaucracy prowls the deadly Adminotaur.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today." ~ Herman Wouk
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
“Someone should enact a holiday that honors all people who turn up for work on Mondays.”
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
I'm just like an Easter bunny - sweet, but hollow on the inside.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
Go to BabaMail
