What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
How do Japanese chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Knock knock
Who's there?
To.
To who?
Surely you mean to whom.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimum wage. You know what thay means? You know what your boss was trying to say? It’s like, ‘Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it’s against the law.’” – Chris Rock
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Ice simply love it when it snows!
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
When you offered me love, I lepton it!
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
How many knees do men really have? 3 - right knee, left knee and their wee-knee.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,
"This will come back to bite me."
Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
"I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty."
Wendy Liebman
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
What does a monster wear when it rains?
His ghoul-oshes!
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Just like I never play with poop, I promise you that I will never play with your heart.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!
My love for you burns stronger than my urinary tract infection.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
How do spiders communicate? Through the World Wide Web.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
A vampire broke up with his girlfriend when she had a blood test. He told her she wasn't his type.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
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