Why did the bunny cross the road? He wanted to prove he could hip hop!
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
I wanna bob for your apples.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Q: What do you call a windmill swallowed up by a tornado?
A: A wind meal
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
I bet you don’t talk to strangers. But, if you had my number in your phone book, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives.
Because he never met you.
The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food."
– Erma Bombeck
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
“Sometimes, being silly with a friend is the best therapy.”
— Unknown
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
Why did the tiger visit the eye specialist after dropping a can of red paint on himself? He saw red.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
What do you call getting attacked by a mermaid?
An ariel assault.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
I've just been sacked from my job as a prophet..
I didn't see that coming.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
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