“You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.”
Yogi Berra
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
If you had eleven roses and you looked in the morror; then you'd see twelve of the most beatiful things in the world.
Yule be sorry.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Let's cross the international dateline together.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
My dad has the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the zoo.
“To shorten winter, borrow some money due in spring. ” — W.J. Vogel
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
You are astoundingly gorgeous, but I can tell that’s the least exciting thing about you. I’d love to know more.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
Just bought my wife a refrigerator, for our Anniversary:
Cannot wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
What happens when you die after Thanksgiving?
You go to Gravy Jones' Locker
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
"Watermelon - it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face."
— Enrico Caruso
“Nothing is so embarrassing as watching someone do something that you said couldn’t be done.” – Sam Ewing
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
Sorry, but I can only be with you twice.
That's Now...and Forever.
Two sodium atoms are walking down the street. Suddenly one says “Oh, my God, I’ve lost an electron!” The other says “Lost an electron! Are you sure?” and the first replies “Yes, I’m positive!”
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.
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