I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What do you do if you get attacked by a killer clowns?
Go for the jugular.
What do red berries say during the season they love best? Cherry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
Which servant of God was the worst lawbreaker in the Bible?
Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
Why don't skeletons ski the black diamond runs at Copper Mountain?
They've got soul, but they just don't have the heart for it.
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
What happens if you cross a hairdresser and a werewolf?
A creature with an all over perm!
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What did the geologist say when his doctor said he needed a colon exam?
No fracking way!
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
I used to think that all radios had antennae, then I realized it was a stereo type.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What do you get when you cross a tiger and a snowman? Frost-bite!
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
I was opening up all the vents in our house. My wife didn't understand why.
"You may think that's eVENTfull. You'll undestand why I do this eVENTually"
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Is that a mirror in your Bible? Because I see you reflecting Christ.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road?
Poultry in motion.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
I’ll always be running-back to you.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
"The Story Of Nibbly McNibbleson"
Nibbly McNibbleson was the dog nibbling queen.
She’d nibble everything when she couldn’t be seen.
She nibbled her legs, and she nibbled her paws.
She nibbled so much; her poor body was raw.
Then, she nibbled her blanket the whole of the day,
to the point where she’d nibbled the blanket away.
One day, she tired of nibbling her bed,
and decided she’d try doing licking instead.
So, she licked all the mirrors, the tables, and chairs.
Then, she licked all the rugs and the carpeted stairs.
Her licking won a place in the dog Hall of Fame,
and so Licky McLickerson became her new name.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
My wife screamed in pain during labor.
I asked, “What’s wrong?”.
She screamed. “These contractions are killing me!!”
“I am sorry, honey.” I replied. “What is wrong?”
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