What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?
Binomial gnomenlature.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
You look good on your yoga mat.
"I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks." — Steve Martin
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
“When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.”
― Unknown
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
I'm not a professional referee, but please can I have your name and number?
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
"Men make use of their illnesses at least as much as they are made use of by them." - Aldous Huxley
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
The reason you will see all the cows lie down when it starts to rain is because they want to keep each
udder dry.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
Bookworms take shelfies.
Are you a flame? Because I think I found my perfect match.
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
While the blues musician performed his most famous song, balloons of every color were released in the arena. Guess we may get to call it the 'House of Hues'.
How does the man help clean the house? Raising the feet, for the woman to pass the vacuum cleaner on the carpet.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.
Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
I wrote you a song, but it’s not very good
I wanted to serenade you, the best way I could
But it came out more, like a list of complaints
Because as much as I love you
Some days you drive me insane
(Anonymous)
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What do dolphins need to stay healthy?
Vitamin Sea!
Hey Anna, how about you Anna I grab a drink sometime?
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
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