My favourite piece in chess is the rook
It is the most straight-forward.
What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?
Pork Chop
Why do trees always walk so slowly? All they can do is lumber around.
Girl: Your ex is so attractive
Boy: Which one?
Girl: ME. Goodbye.
What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
We’re trying to pool off the party of the summer.
What do you call a blonde holding a balloon? Siamese twins
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Where does a thrifty Frankenstein get his limbs?
At the second-hand store.
What type of art do skeletons like?
Skulltures!
How many brothers do robots have?
None. They only have transistors.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey
But you'll catch more honeys being fly.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
What do polar bears have for lunch?
Ice burgers.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Let’s take an elfie.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
How do you apologize to a koala? BEAR your heart and soul.
What should be the name of the knight who the King has appointed to carry a census of the land? He goes by the name Sir Vey.
"My Dog"
My family got a new dog.
Its fur is short and white.
I absolutely love him,
but something is not right.
His ears are soft and long
and flop along the side.
His tail is quite short
But also very wide.
He’s positively quiet.
He never makes a sound.
He’s got a real cute jump
when I put him on the ground.
I’m sure when he grows up.
He’ll be massively strong.
His favorite food’s carrots
He eats them all day long!
– Steve Hanson
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
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