If I live to a hundred and two, I won't let nobody sting me but you
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
I believe in The Importance of Being Earnest, so I'm just going to say it: I'm Wilde about you.
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Why didn’t the flamingo cross the road?
Because he’s not a chicken.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Ok, so if the Corona Virus isn't about beer, why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.
Where do bats like to relax?
In the bat-tub.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
If you had fifteen cows and five goats what would you have?
Plenty of milk.
What are the best mushrooms to have with a jacket potato? Button mushrooms!
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
What do you call a sketchy looking Bigfoot?
A Susquatch.
“It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.”- Muhammad Ali
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
Your profile pic is so cute. The human isn't too bad looking either.
Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.
What do you call a dinosaur that lost his glasses? uthinkhesawrus
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
"You can't sip with us."
I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!
What is E.T. short for?
So he can fit in his little spaceship.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
“Fan the sinking flame of hilarity with the wing of friendship; and pass the rosy wine.”
— Charles Dickens
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin date.
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