I think we need to become better strangers.
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
I wanna bob for your apples.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
A butt lit a house on fire.
So I guess he committed Arse-on
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
Girlfriend was working on the motorcycle with me the other day...
She exclaimed "God! This is ridiculous. I need, like, four arms to do this!".
To which I replied "but honey, you DO have forearms!"
You’re so beautiful, you make me feel like an arpeggiated chord… broken.
I am a chemist. Want to get together and see the reaction?
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?
Now he's a whywolf
Why won’t you ever find a unicorn in the army? Because they don’t like wearing uniforms.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
At Thanksgiving, my brother tried to carve the turkey with a grapefruit spoon.
He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”
Stephen Colbert
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Where does a tiger sleep?
Anywhere he wants to!
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
Baby, you can drive my car if we let it be.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!
(Unknown)
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
"Room with a View"
I live in a room by the sea,
where the view is great and the food is free.
Some of the tenants come and go.
Some I eat, if they’re too slow.
One end of me is firmly locked.
The other end just gently rocks.
I live in a room by the sea.
It’s perfect for an anemone.
– Stephen Swinburne
Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
Nice asteroids.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
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