"Alcohol you later."
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
I’m feelin’ green.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
And as you can see, they were Wright.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
You are the best compression gear because you made my blood flow.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
What’s black and white, has eight wheels and travels very fast?
A panda on roller skates.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
Guess what I saw today. Everything I looked at.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
You must be a ninja, because you snuck into my heart
Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
How does a kangaroo pick his favorite baseball team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Broken pencils are pointless.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
The Christmas alphabet has noel.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
"Goodbye, Six — Hello, Seven"
I’m getting a higher bunk bed.
And I’m getting a bigger bike.
And I’m getting to cross Connecticut Avenue all by
myself, if I like.
And I’m getting to help do dishes.
And I’m getting to weed the yard.
And I’m getting to think that seven
could be hard.
– Judith Viorst
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur ? Jurassic Pork!
Can I be Candide with you?
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Don't get caught elvesdropping on Santa!
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
I just texted my girlfriend Ruth and told her that it's over between us.
I'm Ruthless.
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