A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
Did you hear about the party a little boy had for his sisters barbie dolls? A. It was a Barbie-
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
What’s Frankenstein’s favorite food?
Frankenfurters.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Oh I didn't mean to pull you in so close. I thought I heard a rutting bull moose.
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'
"Does your father sell diamonds? Because you are FLAWLESS!"
What is the baby vampire's least favorite fast food establishment?
Stake n shake!
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
Are you a beaver? Beause daaaaaaaaam!
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
“What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.”
Tina Fey
"I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
— W.C. Fields
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
"Time to wine down."
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
What's a fish's favorite musical instrument?
A bass guitar.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
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