What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!
What did the lamps do after their date?
They got turned on.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
What cheese do beavers like? eDam
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman
What is a dog’s favorite type of homework?
A lab report.
"It's unsticking-your-thighs-from-a-plastic-chair season"
What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
"Bone to be wild."
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew".
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
I entered my pig into a pig race but he pulled a ham string.
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What do pigs learn in the army? Ham to ham combat.
What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.
My fiance is kidding... She's due in 7 months!
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
Ringo, John snd George walked into an electric guitar shop...
They were less Paul.
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Time to spruce things up.
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
What do donuts think about donut puns? They donut like them!
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
“Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
“Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.”
Steve Martin
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
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