Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.
Why do army snipers close one eye while shooting?
Because if they closed both eyes they wouldn't be able to see.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
Are you dessert because I'm finished.
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
"What is a home without children. Quiet." – Henny Youngman
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
"Diaper Alert"
My God!
what's in yond wind yee broke
doth burn mine eyes
and make me choke.
Such bitter breeze
such wafting savor
assaults mine senses
which flee in terror!
No sewage pit
nor stagnant mire
cans't rival thine
unholy power.
A road dead skunk
in a summer's swelter
would smell more like a rose
most precious flower.
What cursed perfume
thou villainous rouge
doth linger in thine wake
begone and find your mom I say
it's her turn for goodness sake!
– Running Wolves
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
What is a ghosts favorite soup? Scream of Broccoli.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
Geology rocks but Geography is where it's at.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
The ocean doesn't like to say hello, it just waves.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
Is your vocal range tenor? Because if there were tenor (ten of) you Iwould be very happy.
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
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