I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Call me on the shellphone.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
All the men in my family are bald, and all the women are hunchbacked – and they don’t know we’re bald.
Mark Roberts
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
Beer-lieve it or not!
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
There once was a girl from Dubai,
who desperately wanted to fly.
But whenever she flapped,
that girl got so chapped,
that poor littl girl from Dubai.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
I feel like I have seen that ghost before...I must have deja boo.
"Patience is not a virtue for Aries. The phrase Speak now or forever hold your peace, was probably created by an impatient Aries."
— Dr. Atara
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
Are you an alien? Because I believe you’ve abducted my heart.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
The male pig puts everyone to sleep.
You might say he’s quite a boar.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
I gave my wife a broken hair-dryer for her birthday
She wasn’t blown away.
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
What do you call a group of politically similar crows?
A cawcus
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
Whats a bad flower pick-up line?
Lets put our tulips together?
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
"A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by a mother who sees that the others get it."
— Marcelene Cox
I put the ‘laid’ in Adelaide.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
“Not telling me something because you don’t want to piss me off is probably the best way to piss me off.”
— ScorpioQuotes.com
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
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