“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
What is a 2000 pound skeleton called
A skeleTon.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
Where in the World Can You Find the Highest Concentration of Engineers?
Antarctica! Because that's where all the P. Enguins are!
Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Excuse me, is it you or my coffee that’s getting my heart rate up?
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
How does a penguin build it’s house?
Igloos it together.
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
What do you call a friendly volcano? Lava-ble.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Why are rabbits so lucky? They have four rabbit’s feet.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Flamingos do annoy each other sometimes. Apparently this is because they enjoy ruffling feathers.
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
As long as your dog sticks by your side.
Anything is paw-sible.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
Give me some pigskin
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
I have bean thinking about you.
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What’s black and white and red all over?
Red white black through tissue samples textiles for making clothes
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
What's the manliest fruit to eat?
Mango.
"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
I was she-shocked when my pet turtle died.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What did the woodworm say to the chair?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Baby, you remind me of the constitution, because you look like a national treasure.
Is a mountain goat a hillbilly?
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Would you like to upsize your meal and get my number for free today?
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
What kind of cat works for the Red Cross? A first-aid kit!
I can get you off the Naughty List.
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