I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
I’m looking for my soulmate. Do you think you could Aiden my search?
“October: This is one of the particularly dangerous months to invest in stocks. Other dangerous months are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February.” Mark Twain
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
I like the way you espresso yourself.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
What do you call a carnival worker who’s eating a turkey leg?
A carnie-vor.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!
(William Cole)
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
My astronaut girlfriend has dumped me.
She said she needs space.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
What do you call a nervous witch?
A twitch.
Why do giraffes have long necks?
Because their feet smell.
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
Can I show you my yellow submarine?
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
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