What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Why do Bigfoots like to tell jokes?
Because they're killer comedians.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
“Winter blues are cured every time with a potato gratin paired with a roast chicken.”
– Alexandra Guarnaschelli
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
What can never ever be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?
Thanksgiving breakfast.
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
One day on the highway, I saw a packet of onions and cheese walking down the road. When I offered them a lift, they declined by saying that they were 'Walkers'.
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
"Some people have no guts."
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section
I am so dedicated to basketball, but I promise you I will bring that dedication to our relationship.
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
"The 12-step chocoholics program: Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate!"
— Terry Moore
When the time came, he betrayed our team and showed his blue colors.
Why did the Turkey want to join a band?
Because it had drumsticks!
I recently bought my grandson a vegetable-themed pogo stick exclusively made from spring onions.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
Why did Hans cross the road alone?
Hans wanted to travel solo.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
What do you call friends with airpods in their ears
Earbuds.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
The loveliest subject in schools History because it has so many dates.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
I peed my pants every time I stood in front of my first-grade class to talk.
That's how I lost my teaching license.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
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