What word looks the same backwards and upside down? Swims
Is a cowboy with his foot across the Canadian border in Canada?
Just aboot.
"Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up." - John Wagner
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
Why was the math book sad?
Because it had so many problems.
You're so clover!
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
“If there are ice cream trucks in the summer then why aren’t there Starbucks trucks in the winter?”
I'm not anti-social.
I'm just not user friendly.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
I want to stick to you like glucose.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
It’s time to say Versailles to France.
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
If my love were music, you'd be the most beaituful lyrics in the songbook
Did you hear about the guy who fell into the industrial cake mixer?
He's feeling much batter now.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
“Sunday morning my head is bad. But it's worth all the time I had. But I've got to go and get some rest. For Monday is a mess!”
– Dave Bartholomew, Blue Monday
Do you know why do the hipsters burn their tongue? It is because they eat their soup before it gets cool.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
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