Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.

My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.

Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice

“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing

Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.

Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.

Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.

What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!

When it comes to getting things done, my work ethic is like lightning.
I take the path of least resistance.

Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener

I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!

(Rob Carmack)

Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?

What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.

Your plants have taken roots deep within my heart.

Do you like free samples?

I less than three you.

What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key

"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"

Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"

Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.

Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.

If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?

What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!

What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

A seal goes into a bar and the bartender asked him,"What will it be Mr seal?"
The seal responds,"anything but a Canadian Club".

What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.

Hermit crabs’ house phones were always shell phones

My two pet crabs have very different personalities. One is always in a good mood, but the other can be a bit of a grump.
Their names are crabA and crabB

Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.

What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.

I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.

I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?

You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.

What usually comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
Traditionally, the letter G.

If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.

You're the ruler of my heart.

What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.

Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!

Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.

It's impossible to ruin the view of the Colisseum.

“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”

- David Frost.

My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.

“It’s just another manic Monday. I wish it was Sunday. ‘Cause, that’s my fun day. My, I don’t have to run day.”
— Prince Rogers Nelson

Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.

I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you

What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.

I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.

A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”

Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.

I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.