Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Playing the keyboard is...
my type of music.
Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? They can't remember the number.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
I dreamt about you. You died.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
You really mermaid my day.
The orange was really sad at the event because it had no peelings whatsoever for the desperate prune.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Namastay here or come home with me?
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
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