I always like to keep a jar of peanut butter in the car when I travel on a busy freeway ...
just in case there’s a traffic jam.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
What do you get when you cross a dog and a frog?
A Croaker Spaniel.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!
God gave us two ears, two eyes, two legs and two hands, but he only gave us one heart, and he wanted me to find you and tell you, you are the second one.
I’m feelin’ pine.
I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.
“The first 40 years of life give us the text; the next 30 supply the commentary on it.” – Arthur Schopenhauer
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Did you know they tested the Mars rover against animal attacks?
They had to switch to dogs because Curiosity killed the cat.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them."
- Bill Maher
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.
*Baste on a True Story...*
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
I went into a pet shop and said: "I would like a pet parrot for my daughter."
Confused, the owner replied: "Sorry, we don't do swaps."
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Hey, not sure if I should be telling you this, but I’m a Prince and I’m currently looking for my Cinder-Bella
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
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