There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
"A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday."
— Erma Bombeck
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
In the corn maze, I felt like I was being stalked. It was earie.
“I have a passion for not cooking.”
― Unknown
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
A fly feels a bug on it's back. "Hey bug on my back, are you a mite?"
"I mite be !!" giggles the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard" groans the fly.
"What do you expect?" says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly. "
Which Finn is like a hotdog on the ice? Teemu Salami.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
I was hoping you’d text first, but clearly Abby-t you to it
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
I'd love to serve a 5 minute penalty in your box.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
If a young goat learns a martial art, are they a karate kid?
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them. Why did God create man before woman? Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What is a polar bear’s favorite cereal?
Ice Crispies.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
You octopi my thoughts.
What do you call a person who illegally delivers hugs from country to country?
An international snuggler
What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? Her IQ goes up!
When I see your face there's not a thing that I would change...
Are you the perigee moon? Because I’m so attracted to you day by day.
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
Why do pumpkins sit on people’s porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I have a good nature joke but after listening to it, everyone just leaves.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
Hey, is your name daisy? Because I can’t resist the urge to plant you right over my heart.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
What do cows do for entertainment?
They rent moovies!
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