What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
She sells seashells on the seashore.
The shells she sells are seashells, I’m sure.
And if she sells seashells on the seashore,
Then I’m sure she sells seashore shells.
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
I don’t know if I got hit by freezing rain but it sure hurt like hail.
Even Mozart couldn't make a composition as beautiful as you
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Chuck Norris fell down from a 10 story building.
people start gathering around him, asking "What happened? what happened?"
Chuck: "Don't know, I just got here."
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What do you call a person that chops up cereal. a cereal killer.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
I'm really determined and keen,
To start giving this house a spring clean.
I will do it I say,
Yes, I'll do it today,
Well, I'll do it tomorrow, I mean.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Hi, I see that you're new to this gym, and I wanna be the first male to bother you.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
What’s a vampire’s favorite Shakespeare play?
A Midsummer Bite’s Dream.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
I've got something to tell you that I think you ought to know, That my eyes are on you baby.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
Where do otters keep their money? In the river bank!
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
Babe, I just checked Spotify. It says you're this week's hottest new single.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
Give papa a cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Why were the volleyball players always tying in tic tac toe? Each time one of them sets an X, the other player just says O.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a bogey in it.
What month always asks questions and permission?
May!
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
“A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
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