What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Crows, they just love sports, crow-quet to be precise.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Are you a magician? Because you just cast a spell on me.
What do you call a royal giraffe?
Your highness.
What do you call a Rabbi who works with solvents?
An acidic Jew.
Why Was The Teacher Annoyed With The Duck?
Because he wouldn't quit quackin' jokes!
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
How do you circumcise a whale?
You send down four skin divers.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
Maybe you need a little Vitamin ME in your life.
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
“The thing about parenting rules is there aren’t any. That’s what makes it so difficult.”
- Ewan McGregor.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
If there were no God, there would be no atheists. -- G. K. Chesterton
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
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