A zebra is the safest place to cross the road. Unless you are actually a zebra.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Roses are red and so is the state, let us be comrades because I think you are great
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the IT professional, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
What do you call a basketball team that cries after they lose the game?
A bawl club.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, nothin' can beat teamwork."
- Edward Abbey
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
I wanted to tell a knife joke to my friend
But it just won't cut it.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
"I get pretty much all the exercise I need walking down airport concourses carrying bags."
- Guy Clark
I told the doctor I was deaf in my left ear he said 'are you sure?'
Then I said 'I'm definite."
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
How do you catch a rich squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a cashew.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Where do Danish players aim with the puck? Top kroner.
"My wife had us register for fine china, because you never know when the Pope is going to swing by and want a microwaved hot dog on a $200 plate." — Jim Gaffigan
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
It’s so hot you realize asphalt has a liquid state.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Get in the swim this summer.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
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