Why are glow worms good to carry in your Halloween bag?
They can lighten your load!
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
A gazillion gigantic grapes gushed
gradually giving gophers gooey guts.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you get when a dinosaur blows it's nose? OUT of the way!!
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
Tricks aren’t really my thing. But you’re sure a treat.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
How do you organize a space party? You planet!
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
Knock, knock,
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
Are you a thief? Because you stole a year of my life.
I'll be kicking myself if I don't get to know you better.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
What did the numerator say to the denominator when they broke up?
I'm so over you!
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
I won't take no for an answer. I'm having Nunavut.
Why did the sapling jump in the ocean? He wanted to swim with the manatrees.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
What is the call of a Spanish speaking owl?
Quién...Quién.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
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