Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
What do you call a funnel shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
How do you kill a southern vampire?
You bless his heart.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
The number of followers you have doesn't make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12. -- Anonymous
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
I got a new cell phone for my wife...
Pretty awesome trade if you ask me!
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
Why did the man get so sad his computer had a virus?
It was a terminal illness.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Do you have a jersey? Because I need your name and number.
How do you apologize to a sloth? BEAR your heart and soul.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.
There was a Young Lady of Clare,
Who was sadly pursued by a bear;
When she found she was tired,
She abruptly expired,
That unfortunate Lady of Clare.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.
What genre of music do elves love to listen to? Wrap.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
If I told you that you have a wonderful antibody, would you hold it against me?
There was an Old Man of Calcutta,
Who perpetually ate bread and butter,
Till a great bit of muffin,
On which he was stuffing,
Choked that horrid Old Man of Calcutta.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.
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