What do you call a group of friends in California?
A startup.
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Today isn’t the day to be making jokes about the weather.
It’s snow joke.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
Last night while cooking, my serving spoon's handle broke off. My husband walked in and said:
How very un-ladle-like!
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
“Driving is boring,” Rabbit pontificates, “but it’s what we do. Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went.”
– John Updike
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
What does a shark like to eat with peanut butter? Jellyfish!
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Why can’t minerals ever lie?
They’re always in their pure form.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
What did the frog dress up as on Halloween?
A prince.
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
Rodney Dangerfield
Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Why did the electrical cords break up? There was no spark between them.”
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
You're just my cup of tea!
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
I like my matches like my tennis balls: Pressureless.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
Snow joke, the weather is horrible today!
All clover the world.
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