What would Kurt Cobain be doing if he was still alive? Clawing at the inside of his casket.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
“I have never been hurt by what I have not said.”
Calvin Coolidge
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? Vibrato.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
You’re my pot of gold.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
What did the digital watch say to his grandfather? Look grandpa no hands!
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
When many knights were being killed by guns and bombs, the medieval scientist discovered a weapon that would destroy all their enemies. It was known as the knightrogen bomb!
Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
What is the first thing that bats learn at school? The alphabat.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Who never minds being interrupted in the middle of a sentence? A convict.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
Bill Murray
“Do you ever get halfway through eating a horse and go ‘you know, I’m not as hungry as thought I was’?”
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
This sidewalk must be unsalted, because I just fell for you.
You must be a neuron, cause you’ve got some action potential.
If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up together, would they be alloys?
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
You must be from Prague, because I can't help but Czech you out.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
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