Why did DPD rush to Coors Field?
They heard somebody stole third base.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Would you mind watching my pet parrot while I’m out, as long as it’s not too much of a birden?
Chuck Norris walks into a bar.
He gets treated with great respect, since he’s such a talented actor.
You should give me your number..who knows, I Michael you later…
You know you're just like the sun, your beauty is blinding.
What do you call an elderly Spanish man?
A senõr citizen.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
Knock Knock Who's there?
Pecan!
Pecan who?
Pecan somebody your own size!
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Where does a bird have the most feathers in winter?
On the outside.
The pool water isn’t very hot but you sure are.
"Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen." - Mark Twain
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers
Flamingo parents are really cute with their babies. You should see them playing Beak a Boo.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
What did they Turkey say to the blade of grass? Nice knawing you!
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
What happened when one friend forgot to brew her pal a coffee? Their friendship came to a bitter end.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
What is the tree’s least favorite month of the year? SepTIMBERRRR.
"Front Row"
My desk is in the first two rows
that’s just beneath the teacher’s nose
Her eyes are on me, just like glue.
She watches everything I do.
I raise my hand. I seldom speak.
I swear I am the perfect geek.
I wish I was row four or five,
and then I’d really come alive.
I’d throw some spitballs, pass some notes.
I’d really get the teacher’s goat.
I’d make them laugh. I’d be a ham.
I like to joke. That’s who I am.
My teacher knows — and what I fear
Is that is why she keeps me near.
– Denise Rodgers
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
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