What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
What is another term for trombone?
A wind-driven, manually operated pitch approximator.
How many Folk Singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
It’s a beautiful Degas!
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
How did the shark plead in the murder case?
Not gill-ty.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Do you want to be my lab partner? I think we could have some great chemistry together.
What did the bat say to the diabetic? Nice knawing you!
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Q: What do you call a weatherman who farts while he pees?
A. Rain with a little wind and thunder.
What do you call a very slow skier?
A slope-poke.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
My dog’s favorite band is The Beagles.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
"An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field."
~ Niels Bohr
Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today."
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"No, the regular kind."
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
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