Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
Ruthless.
It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
Water you doing, my friend?
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
If there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I have been searching for!
I’m feelin’ pine.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine. I added fruit and orange juice, and now she sangria than ever!
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
It’s so cold cops are tasering themselves.
"There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments." - Chris Rock
“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
What’s every ice cream parlor owner’s side hustle?
Sundae school teacher.
What type of candy sent the skeleton to the hospital?
Jawbreakers.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
It’s so cold I had to eat ice cream just to warm up.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
I must be a diamond now, because you just gave me a hardness of 10.
Whatever floats your goat.
I finally decided to sell my vacuum. It was just gathering dust.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
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