How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
"The Fly"
God in his wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why.
– Ogden Nash
"The trouble with being a parent is that by the time you are experienced, you are unemployed." – Anonymous
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Repeat this as many times as you get rejected until you get the number. Works like a charm.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.
Give me some pigskin
Who was the most infamous terrorist in llama history?
Osama Bin Llama.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
Why are 40 romans funny?
Because they are XD.
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
What do you call a necromancer werewolf?
A dog with a bone.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Why does a little cherry always look up to its parents? It tries to follow in their fruitsteps.
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
My love for you is like cancer, it just keeps growing and growing.
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
I’m soy
into you.
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
Don’t be elfish.
Flamingos are pretty good at ideas… They have a lot of experience with formation.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
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