I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
“Mondays are mundane, like Tuesdays minus 24 hours.”
— Jarod Kintz
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
“You can always tell about somebody by the way they put their hands on an animal.”
- Betty White.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
I'm coming out of the closet to tell everyone I was just hired as a seamstress for the theatre.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
“My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
Why do flamingos fly south in winter? Because it would be too far to walk.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
For you, I would slay two Goliaths.
Can’t pinch this.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
"They say good things take time, so that’s why I’m always late."
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
It's lit.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
What type of cat belongs to the baker? One that’s pure-bread
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx
I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
Someone said you were looking for me.
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
I went skiing with broken bones.
I can't afford real skis.
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
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