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The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice
What did the carp say to his crush?
Don’t play koi with me!
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
“When Chuck Norris does yoga, the sun salutes him.” – Unknown
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
Are you a bowl of Lucky Charms? Because you appear to be magically delectable!
Honey, do you like water? That means you already like 80% of me.
Why don't matches play baseball?
Because one strike, and they're out.
What do plants and homies have in common?
I love watching them grow.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
What kind of dinosaur can you ride in a rodeo? A Bronco-saurus!
What did one cell say to his sister cell when she stepped in his toe? Mitosis.
You’re so stunning even the Language Police are speechless.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
What do you call it when all your mother's sisters gather at a funeral to avenge your death?
Vigil aunties.
Who is a polar bear’s favorite musician?
Seal.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
I feel pretty shore this is going to be the best summer yet.
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
“I have just returned from a children’s party. I’m one of the survivors.”
- Percy French.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
My friend pointed at a chandelier and said: "isn't that the coolest chandelier ever?"
I replied: "I don't know if it's the coolest, but it's up there."
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
I tried to open a bag of Lays but it exploded all over me.
I've had a chip on my shoulder ever since.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
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