What did the sea say to the penguin?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why is Frankenstein such good fun?
Because he soon has you in stitches.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Excuse me madan, could you help me? My hands ar so heavy. Could you hold them for me?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Did you hear about the crook who was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?
He was just arrested for Petty theft.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
How do clams call their friends?
Clams call their friends on their shell phones!
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
What did the father buffalo say to his son when he left to school ?
Bison.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Who gives sharks presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Excuse Me, I’ve lost my phone number. Can I borrow yours?
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
I got booed off stage on open mic night because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impersonation but I'm not gonna let that get to me....
I'll return.
How do you get a man to have the best orgasm possible?
Who cares?
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
Stuart Turner“
“I tell you what always catches my eye. Short people with an umbrella.”
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
What do crows read? Cawmics.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
What type of person doesn’t like pizza?
A weir-dough.
It’s snow joke.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
(Lycia Harding)
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