What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
Summer should get a speeding ticket
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
I gaze at you in awe,
Your beauty leaves me speechless,
I long for your touch,
And I yearn for your kiss.
I can wait no longer,
I can’t leave my heart on the shelf,
Oh whoops, I’m sorry,
I forgot to introduce myself!
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
I heard kissing is the language of love so...
Do you wanna start a conversation?
A team of mushrooms was playing basketball against a team of cabbages. The mushrooms won. Everyone cheered for the champignons.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
As soon as the plane was invented, things started looking up.
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
All punts are highly intended
Baby you make my telescope expand.
Why was the computer coughing?
It had a virus.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Visitors are Doolin over these gorgeous views.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
Hey Girl! Are you a software program?
Because you've been running in my memory all day.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What do you call two watermelons that are not allowed to get married? A couple of can’t- elopes.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock in a pestilential prison with a life-long lock, awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock from a cheap and chippy chopper with a big, black block.
Don’t worry, beer happy.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
What do you think Abby-t going on a date sometime?
How do you organise a welcome party for an alien race?
You planet.
The coddled superstar sat in the seats with the fans instead of on the bench
with the team; for this, ironically enough, he was accused of grandstanding!
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