Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
A brain aneurysm would be swell.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.
It was touch and go from there on.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
You had to use rennet to curdle the milk for making Ricotta, not lemon juice!
This is not the right whey.
I hate when my heater says something that sounds meaningful...
But it turns out to just be blowing hot air.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
Thank god I'm wearing gloves because you are too hot to handle.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
I'm wearing green, you're wearing green, we have so much in common we should go out sometime.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? "Boy, I'm stuffed!"
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie
Packing is my expertise. So, I can easily fit into your heart.
Why had the beaver left the pond? He thought it was too shallow.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”
Bill Watterson
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tomorrow night?
When I went to highschool in Italy my classmates were one year older than me.
I Skipped pasta grade.
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
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