Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.

Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper

What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.

Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.

What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.

How did the tigers greet the other animals in the jungle? "Hey! Pleased to eat you."

What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.

What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!

Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.

"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe

“I got chucked out of yoga class after misinterpreting Half-Moon Pose.” – Unknown

What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.

Loving this road trip, but all this driving is tire-ing!

Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!

It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.

What do you call a Guy who Masterbates more than twice a day? A Terrorwrist

Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.

Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!

Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”

You’re right up my alley.

What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”

I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.

What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

Don't theater jokes always seem so staged?

Hey son, do you know why the pilgrims ate biscuits at the first Thanksgiving?
Because they had a boatload of May-flour.

It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.

The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.

The 21st century: Deleting history is more important than making it.

My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.

I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.

I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

"There is no unhappiness like the misery of sighting land again after a cheerful, careless voyage."
- Mark Twain

Roses are red

Violets are blue

But I don't care

Cause I'm leaving you.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.

Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.

What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.

“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.”

"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver

Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories

What is the most affordable type of meat that we would purchase?
“Dear balls because they are always under a buck.”

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'd rather be dead than continue seeing you!

What do you call a gorilla with no arms?
An ape-utee

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?

Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.