A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Honey, if you were a space station, you’d be called Deep Space Fine.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
Where do restless travelers like to go?
To Rome.
Hey pretty lady, let me take you out on a first date in the snow. I promise I’m not a flakey person.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
What is a car’s preferred mobile phone brand?
No-Kia.
Did you ever hear about that movie constipation? It never came out.
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number ou get in a diamond"- Mae West
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
You love dogs. I love dogs. I think we may just be the paw-fect match.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.
What is the popular Christmas carol in Desert? Camel ye Faithful.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
Girl, you're so beautiful. I'd cross the Delaware River to be with you.
Because they got turtle recall, turtles never forget.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
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