Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
What do you drive in a river? An otter-mobile.
What animal can go into a tiger’s den and came out alive?
The tiger.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
I’m like a boomerang. I just keep coming back to you.
"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
"What a man needs in gardening is a cast-iron back, with a hinge in it."
- Charles Dudley Warner
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
Can you put some hot sauce on my enchilada, I need some spice in my life.
What is a lion’s favorite cheese?
Roarquefort.
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
While fishing in the blue lagoon,
I caught a lovely silver fish,
And he spoke to me, "My boy," quoth he,
"Please set me free and I'll grant your wish;
A kingdom of wisdom? A palace of gold?
Or all the fancies your mind can hold?"
And I said, "O.K." and I set him free,
But he laughed at me as he swam away,
And left me whispering my wish
Into a silent sea.
Today I caught that fish again
(That lovely silver prince of fishes),
And once again he offered me,
If I would only set him free,
Any one of a number of wishes,
If I would throw him back to the fishes.
He was delicious!!
(Shel Silverstein)
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
I thought happiness started with an H. Why does mine start with U?
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
What did they baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where’s pop corn?
Why do people hate bee puns?
Because they don’t want to beelieve they are good
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
Why did the chicken join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
My cows are super confusing. I can’t milk heads or tails of them.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
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