Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
What do you call a pig with skin problems? A wart-hog.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not."
— Mark Twain
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
"You can't sip with us."
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
“You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.” - Anonymous
I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.
I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, is it possible to put it back in it so it won't explode?
I kinda need a quick response...
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.
Two Karens are out having dinner
The waiter stopped by their table and said "Is anything ok?"
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
"Run like you stole something."
Unknown
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
Let's do lunge together
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxi cabs.
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
“If your family tree does not fork, you might be a redneck.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
Normally my species is cold blooded, but around you I am hot blooded.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire?
Dracowla.
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
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