What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards? Because he was sitting on the deck!
Do you have Spotify? You better have premium so we could get some uninterrupted action.
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
You like curling? Check out me curling my biceps!
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
The ocean made me salty.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
Why does Avogadro like Cindy Crawford?
She's his favorite super-mole-dle (and she has a mole).
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
Thank brew very much.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”
- Martin Mull.
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
My parents always brought me up to believe the sky's the limit.
Which was a shame because I wanted to be an astronaut.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite Beatles song?
The Ghoul on the Hill!
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
I can row a boat.
Canoe?
"Don’t believe everything you think."
Anonymous
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
Musta woke with feelings of dread;
I bet that he thought he was dead.
Upon its unmasking,
The question I’m asking:
’Twas the ghost of white or wheat bread?
- by Jeff Kyser
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
What is a good place for bat jokes?
A public bat room.
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
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