“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
Do you wanna come dance with the big bad wolf? [ No! ] Its okay, the other two pigs said no too!
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
When does a brain get afraid?
When it loses its nerve.
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
What did one body of water say to the other?
"Do you sea what I sea?"
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
"Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back."
"Insanity is hereditary you get it from your kids." – Sam Levenson
Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What do you get when you cross ants with ticks?
All sorts of antics.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
Why was the knight fighting the tournament with a sword made from cheddar cheese? Because the cheese was extra sharp!
Initially, the passenger couldn't find where his next flight was, but fortunately, he made the connection in time.
“Excuse me while I have a Pisces moment.”
— Patricia Lantz
What types of books do pines read? Poetree books.
What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.
I like my coffee like I like my men: either tall or with a confusing Italian name.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free-range.
How much does a polar bear weight? Enough to break the ice!
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue.
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
Babe can I get a cookie that tastes like you?
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
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