You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift. Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
"I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.'"
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
“How is it that the first piece of luggage on the airport carousel never belongs to everyone?”
— George Roberts
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
"They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it." ~ Joseph Addison
Oh, this flower in my hand? I was just showing it how beautiful you are.
Why don’t dolphin do well on school tests?
Because they work below C-Level!
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.
Where do astronauts buy their milk? From the milky way!!!
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.
Green is the most relaxed color in the rainbow, it's so jade back.
Why did the duck cross the road?
Because there was a quack in the sidewalk.
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One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
What do you call a frozen dog? A pupsicle.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
"You are a smart cookie. A wise chocolate cake. A brilliant pancake.” - Rey Woodman
I hate getting into arguments with farmers about the best methods for keeping crows away.
They always resort to straw man arguments.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion
"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
Why did my wife cross the road?
To go back to the same shoe shop we went to three hours ago.
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
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