“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
How does a Man cut his hair on the moon? Eclipse it.
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
What took you so long? I've been Kuwait-ing for you my whole life.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What was the most common game played by Greek Gods?
Hydra and seek.
What a great match, guess you could say its my Luke-y day
Q: What did Julius Caesar’s pet windmill say?
A: I came, I spun, I conquered.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
“That’s why I love road trips, dude. It’s like doing something without actually doing anything.”
– John Green
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
What did the rabbit say to its wife? No bunny compares to you.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
I now believe in Angels.
Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!
What did the man say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!
There once was a wonderful star,
Who thought she would go very far.
Until she fell down,
And looked like a clown,
She knew she would never go far.
My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Belize let me hold you.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
What did the koala write in his Valentine’s Day card to his girlfriend? “I love you-calyptus”.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
My favorite music is by Spandau Croc-quet.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
What do you call a communist violin?
The second Fidel.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
"There's lots of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it." - Josh Billings
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