What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.

When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.

"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.

You know what they say about when life gives you melons?
You might be dyslexic.

Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.

There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.

What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!

What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.

“The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing – and then marry him.” — Cher

What do you call a rock that never goes to school?
A skipping stone!

I love all of your stratified layers!

What do crows read? Cawmics.

I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.

“Getting paid to sleep… that’s my dream job.​” –Unknown

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m allergic to flowers,
Achoo!

“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen

How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.

I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.

A lady sees a cowboy and says "are you really a cowboy?" The cowboy says "why yes mame, born and raised right here in Montana and have worked on the ranch since I was knee high to a pup."

The woman says " I've always wondered why cowboys always wear those big hats." The wide brim keeps the sun off'aya when it's hot and the rain off'aya when it rain'n."

"Why do you all wear vests?" Well mame, it keeps ya warm when it's cold but it leaves your arms free for rope'n and work'n."

"What about the chaps? " "They keep the burrs and brambles off'a ya."

She says "that all makes perfect sense, but what I don't understand is why you'd wear tennis shoes."

"Aww, that's easy, that's so folks don't mistake us for TRUCKERS!"

"So I stepped away for like two seconds…” – the beginning of every parenting horror story." — Anonymous

Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.

How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.

What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.

Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.

Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?

What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.

Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.

"Everyone is born equal in life, until they get married." — Anonymous

There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.

I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.

Who’s there?

Can!

Can who?

Can Of Worms!

That elliptical isn't the only thing getting my heart rate up…

Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.

Leave poetry to the prose.

Did you hear about the ghost comedian? He was booed off stage.

Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.

What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.

Bookworms take shelfies.

"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown

"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Tamara.

Tamara who?

Tamara the feeding frenzy starts all over again, yay!

“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth

"If I hold a can of soda up to my ear and listen carefully, I can hear my bones pleading for a glass of milk."
– Bridger Winegar

What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses

What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

What do you call a group of killer whales carrying musical instruments.
An orca-stra.

What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesey credit card? Go on a shopping brie.

Hey, Baby do you want to see what tricks my treat could do?