Witches are always wand-ering around…
The weather is almost as beautiful as you, m'lady.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
How do you save a drowning otter? Take your foot of its head
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What birds like to write?
Penguins!
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
I won an argument about weather forecasting accuracy. My fellow debater's logic was cloudy. After his defeat, he was fuming and he stormed out of the room.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
You look a lot like my next victim.
Sleigh, what?!
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
Let’s get elf-ed up.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Girl you must have swallowed a speaker, cause your beauty is louder than the rest
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
I want to stick to you like glucose.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
Are you an onion? Cause I want to peel your layers.
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
Why did the fox cross the road?
She was chasing the chicken.
Anything is popsicle during summer!
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
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