Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
How does a 20-something pig hit on someone?
They invite them over to Netflix and swill.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
"You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance."
– Franklin P. Jones
I've only got three months to live.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
My friend keeps the toaster on the lowest setting
I suspect he's got black toast intolerance
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
What did ancient Egyptian pharaohs sleep on?...
...Temple-pedic mattresses...
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
Baby seal walks into a club...
Years later he would sing A kiss from a rose in the same club.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."
- Andy Warhol
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What’s a ghoul’s favorite love story?
Romeo and Ghouliet!
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
The circle is just the most ridiculous shape in the world.
There's absolutely no point to it.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
I'd catalog you with the cookbooks because you look delicious.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
What did hear about the two bats meeting?
It was love at first bite!
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
“‘Snow in April is abominable,’ said Anne. ‘Like a slap in the face when you expected a kiss.’” — L.M. Montgomery
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