Even my new stainless steel cookware set isn't as slick as you.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
“Don’t worry if people think you’re crazy. You are crazy. You have that kind of intoxicating insanity that lets other people dream outside of the lines and become who they’re destined to be.”
— Jennifer Elisabeth
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Why do dogs run in circles?
Because it’s hard to run in a square.
You're the thought that counts!
What kind of wine do traffic cops like best?
Fine wine!
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
The sun is just a big space heater.
Or maybe it’s baseball players because they’re so great at hitting it off.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
My wife wanted to plant flowers
Problem is she hasn’t botany.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Have you found the center of gravity yet? It’s the letter v.
Why don't quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage? Because they produce audible groans!
I thought about studying the astronomy for my university. But then I thought, I would just be taking up space.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite rap artist?
Feta wap.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
What Happens If You Give a Politician Viagra?
They get taller.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why was the medieval knight polishing his dress before going for the Queens's dinner party? Because he wanted to have a night in shining armor!
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
Why is the giant afraid of Jack?
Because Jack's beanstalking him.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
Excuse me, there has been a heartbreak incident and I need your number to solve it.
You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What did Cinderella Dolphin lose?
Her glass flipper!
Roses are red,
Relationships are tough,
The reason I love you,
Is we hate the same stuff.
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
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